What does a relationship need the most to survive?
Love?
Communication?
Common values?
Sexual/physical chemistry?
Yeah, those are all very important when it comes to what brings and holds a couple together. But when you look at the relationship as an entity unto itself, I believe balance is key.
Basically without balance, you don’t have a relationship, you have a dictatorship.
(For those who have studied astrology, it’s no accident that Libra, the sign of partnerships, is represented by balanced scales.)
It’s physics, really: You don’t have equality if one side pulls more weight than another. And isn’t that what a relationship is, by its very definition: RELATING not DOMINATING?
I personally feel that you will not find yourself in another person: Instead you must know yourself before you find happiness with another. This is why it’s so important to love yourself and have a good understanding of who you are and what you need in life to be happy before you partner up with someone else. Without having that healthy sense of self established first, it’s very easy to lose yourself to a relationship and send the scales tipping in the favor of another person’s relationship needs having more weight than yours.
I don’t think people consciously enter relationships with the intention that one person will star and the other will be cast in the supporting role. But it happens. And it usually happens because one person’s sense of self and their needs is stronger and more established than the other’s. And yes: Narcissists specifically seek out partners they can dominate, but that’s a whole other discussion. Narcissism goes much deeper than occasional, accidental self-absorption and is much, much harder to fix. For the purpose of this blog, let’s just look at what happens when a vibrational mismatch of between a person with a strong sense of self partners with a person with a much weaker sense of self.
Often the stronger person doesn’t intend to dominate, it’s just that the weaker one doesn’t speak up and gives off the appearance that everything is just fine. They secretly hope their partner will become less self-centered and learn to read their minds (which of course rarely happens) and they eventually wind up seething inside and resenting the stronger partner. The stronger partner then wonders what went wrong when their partner loses it, leaves and ends the relationship. This is not only a form of passive aggression on the part of the weaker individual, it’s also a form of dishonesty: The weaker person didn’t show up completely and didn’t have the confidence, or self-knowledge, to assert themselves. After all, knowledge, including self-knowledge, equals power.
In scenarios like this, the stronger partner is usually blamed for being an insensitive ass and for victimizing poor, sweet so and so. But in reality the stronger individual was fooled into thinking their partner was being as honest about their needs as they were about theirs. They had no idea the weaker partner wasn’t as tapped into their sense of self as they are, and was looking for the relationship to help define who they are. Strong, self-actualized individuals can’t comprehend that. Opposites may attract, but they can’t keep it together.
You must lay down your own roots. No one, not even someone who loves you to the end of the Earth, can do that for you. Establish your own goals. Be in touch with your purpose in life. Know what you like. What you don’t like. Granted, a couple that stays together must grow together. So firmly plant your individual seeds in the same garden: That way you will grow together, but as two separate people who respect, admire, and love another whole person – not a person who is a reflection or extension of the other.
Sure there will be times in a relationship where one person needs (or deserves) most of the attention, because of, for example, crisis or celebratory reasons. That’s OK. Because a well-balanced relationship inherently rights itself, and balance, after all, isn’t really about who gets attention at the end of the day. Balance is what’s at the core of the relationship and does not get upset easily by outside influences. This balance is maintained by unconditional love and respect: For each other and for themselves.
So how do you know if your relationship is off balance? Here are some red flags:
- You keep your opinion to yourself to maintain the peace.
- You don’t ask questions because you are afraid of the answers.
- Your partner has the final say in what gets discussed about the relationship.
- Your partner decides on the status of the relationship.
- Your partner refuses to compromise – their way or the highway.
Whether you realize it or not, there are no victims in these examples. There are no victims in relationships, just co-conspirators, and each partner is responsible for recognizing the role that they play. Each one of these scenarios was created by both partners and can easily be brought back into balance with honesty, mutual love and respect. If the relationship can’t exist on equal footing, then it’s not a relationship worth saving.
Finally, the best way to gauge the equality in a relationship is by honoring how you feel. Balance, though definitive, is also subjective. It’s up to each couple to establish its own version of equilibrium. But rest assured, in order to define the parameters of a healthy relationship with another human being, you need a healthy relationship with yourself first.
